To Robert Turpen Graduating from 8th Grade
To Desi Borden Graduating from 8th Grade
To Jasmine Turpen Graduating from 6th Grade
A recycled Jon Stewart Commencement Address:
"Lets talk about the real world for a moment. ... I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don't really know to put this, so I'll be blunt. We broke it.
"Please don't be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry. I don't know if you've been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
"But here's the good news. You fix this thing, you're the next greatest generation, people. You do this---and I believe you can---you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw's kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don't, you're not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked-guy pile of enemy prisoners and don't give the thumbs up you've outdone us."
---Jon Stewart commencement address
William and Mary College, 2004
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